Getting Married Young

When my wife and I got married, I was 20 and she was 18. According to popular opinion, we were “too young,” and I’ll be the first to admit that we were toward the lower end of most marital age statistics. The median age at first marriage nowadays is around the mid-twenties (25ish for women and 27ish for men). Still, these numbers are only a product of modern cultural attitudes. Flash back 50 years and my wife and I wouldn’t have seemed so out of place; the median age then was about five years younger. We still would have been on the young side, mind you, but not so far as to seem abnormal.

The question of whether to get married sooner or later is one a lot of young couples face. From the perspective of the couple, the question seems silly. After all, if you’re already committed to spending the rest of your life together, why shouldn’t you get married? Popular opinion, on the other hand, holds that you’re not yet mature enough to make such a life-altering decision. By your late teens and early 20’s, they say, you’ve only recently become an adult, so you have to give yourself time to “sew your wild oats” before committing.

As a young husband, this was the sort of attitude I had to face a lot. I’ll admit that I met it with skepticism. After all, despite everyone’s protests, my wife and I have turned out just fine. We’ve been married for four wonderful years, had one child, and plan on having another. We can’t imagine the rest of our lives without each other. We’ve had to deal with some rough times, for sure, but they’ve only made us grow closer.

Unfortunately, in doing the research to back up our anecdotal success, I’ve managed to convince myself that popular opinion may be right, at least partly. There is evidence to suggest that personality can and, in many cases, does shift considerably through your mid-20’s. I hate to admit it, but the, “You haven’t grown up yet,” mentality isn’t completely bogus.

More significant, however, are the divorce statistics. Of men and women who get divorced, over half of them got married in their late teens and early 20’s. The predictive value of this data cannot be denied; people who get married younger than 25 are at much greater risk of their marriage failing.

There are many factors that are likely involved in this trend. Young adults rarely have significant financial resources, and money troubles are a primary cause of divorce. Much as we like to romanticize things, love is not all you need. Young adults are also often involved in college settings, where irresponsibility and sexual promiscuity could damage a budding marriage.

However you look at it, most young couples are not well-prepared for married life. Mind you, I don’t want this to be the case. I’d rather tell young couples to follow their dreams, common wisdom be damned. It certainly worked for me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

However, the fact is that I’d advise my son to wait if he were considering marriage before 25. Even if he and his girlfriend were unusually mature for their age, I would still tell them to wait. Am I a hypocrite? Certainly. The truth is, though, that my wife and I took a real risk by marrying young.

If you’re younger than 25 and considering marriage, stop and think about what you’re doing. Coming from someone who, until now, was an ardent defender of getting married young, it really isn’t a wise choice. You may end up happy like my wife and I, but you’re also very likely to regret your decision. Think long and hard about the facts before you make the leap.

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i agree with you!

I think it is unfair of you to make that judgment about your son before you even know who he will be when he turns 20. I can understand your fatherly protective nature, but I think this decision is one from fear. If you want to raise your son in fear of his decisions, thats your choice, but I think the more responsible thing to do is to raise him to understand the concepts necessary so that he will have a healthy marriage when and to whomever he chooses. Talk to him, tell him your concerns, but I wouldn’t flat out tell him he can’t get married. You will only create a rift in future family relations, say, a daughter in law who is never sure if you trust her or like her.

On the contrary, Joel, I’d say my stance is based on logic rather than fear. I’m 25 now, and I’m a much different person than I was when I married at 20. In my case, I like to think I’ve developed into a better husband and father. My wife and I have only grown closer as time has gone by. The fact that we’ve both grown so much, though, is evidence enough to me that everyone still has a lot of growing to do in their early 20’s. I can easily see how couples could grow away from each other in the same timeframe.

I fully intend to teach my son good principles so that he has a successful marriage. Regardless, my opinion to him will be as I have stated, that he should wait until he’s finished becoming an adult to make a decision that will affect him throughout his adult life. I have no intention of laying that down as the law, of course; I’m just not that sort of dad. Hopefully, though, he’ll have enough respect for my opinions at that point to listen when I advise in his best interests.