Disciplining a Toddler
Before I was a parent, I never agreed with the idea of spanking children. I wasn’t standing on soap boxes preaching about it or anything, but, when the subject arose, I was fond of arguing that there are better ways of disciplining children. “Punish them when necessary,” I would say, “but never physically.”
That was, of course, before I was a parent. I’ve since learned better. Now, I acknowledge that this is a politically- and ideologically-charged topic. It certainly doesn’t evoke pleasant imagery to think about a caregiver spanking their child. There are many people with strong arguments against spanking. Still, having experienced the *cough* joys of rearing a toddler, I can say with confidence that there aren’t always viable alternatives.
Take my son, for example. Don’t get me wrong; my wife and I use stern admonishments, time outs, and a variety of other non-physical methods when it comes to disciplining him. Often times, however, he is either unable or unwilling to understand more rational forms of punishment. Most parents will agree that there isn’t any reasoning with a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. It is in situations like this that spankings are, in my opinion, both appropriate and adaptive.
Do I wish we didn’t have to resort to physical punishment? Yes, absolutely. Unfortunately, my son (and I’m sure most every toddler) is incorrigible enough to come right back five seconds later and repeat the activity for which he was punished in the first place. A slap on the wrist or a spanking are often the only deterrents to his bad behavior that have any lasting effect.
With any luck, my son will hit a linguistic growth spurt soon and reasoning with him will become more effective than it has been. Others will undoubtedly disagree with me and are completely welcome to do so. It’s worth noting that I was spanked very rarely as a child, that I possess a college degree in psychology, and that I took several classes dealing with child psychology. As they say, practical experience is the best teacher, and my son has given me more convincing proof in favor of spanking than the best research paper has ever given me against it. 
September 18th, 2006 at 2:38 am
Carnival of Family Life #19
[...] Stephen of Project Paradox talks about Disciplining a Toddler. Find out how his pre-child opinions compare to the reality of being a father. [...]
September 18th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
I appreciated your thoughts! I can’t imagine how much of what I thought of childrearing before having kids has been thrown out the window SINCE having kids. I find it interesting, too, how different each kid is. My daughter as a toddler responded to a spanking (not beating, but a tap on the diaper kinda thing) as a deterrent. My older son could care less about spankings, except that they tend to encourage his hitting more. Time-outs are working (better, anyway) for him. We’ll see with the third as he’s beginning his toddlerhood!
September 18th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
I was never spanked as a child and I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. However, I am FOR spanking when all else fails.
Here via Carnival of Family Life.
September 18th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
I linked to my list of things I thought I’d never do before I had kids. How reality changes your perspective! I agree with Kerri though, they are all different. Spanking is effective for some, not for others.
September 19th, 2006 at 5:11 am
Thanks for all your comments, Kerri, Kailani, and Stephanie. While fatherhood is teaching me a lot, I suppose I do have to accept that I’ve only ever reared one child. Temperaments are definitely a hot topic in child psychology, and what doesn’t work for one child may very well work for another. I am of the mind that the direct caregiver will know best what works, so there’s no way to conclude whether spanking works or not on a global level. Each parent just has to take it on a case by case basis.
September 30th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
While there is no denying the efficacy of a quick swat on the butt or the wrist, I disagree strongly that “there aren’t always viable alternatives.” I have three children, five steps, I taught grade school for a while and I’ve run a home daycare for over eleven years.
I have high expectations of the children I care for. They eat their greens, they rarely throw tantrums, I can take them in public freely.
Unlike you, I started out assuming I would spank, that it was a normal part of parenting. I did give my eldest the occasional swat on the butt. My son, maybe once, my youngest, never. I never lay a hand on my stepkids except in affection. And in the subsequent years of dealing with dozens of toddlers, I have never spanked a child. This is not to say that the learning curve for some mightn’t have been shortened a bit if I had, nor is it to say that I haven’t itched to swat certain recalcitrant little bottoms – but the children learned the rules and respected my authority without it. Every single one of them. Are there children out there who will *only* respond to corporal punishment? All I can say is that in eleven years, I have yet to meet one.
September 30th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
Thank you for your thoughts, Mary. I certainly respect your experience. However, I stand by my belief that some children are difficult or even impossible to discipline without spanking. The operant factor, I think, is temperament. I certainly can’t refute your daycare experience, but it may be that your own children have inherited common temperament characteristics that predispose them to be more manageable. I’d rather not turn this into a nature versus nurture debate, but temperament is as feasible an explanation as any for your ease in disciplining your children.
Whatever the case, I’m happy to hear your suggestions if you have disciplining methods that you’ve found to be particularly effective. As I’ve already said, I never thought it best to spank my son; I’ve simply resorted to it as the only alternative that seems to work for him at times.