Saliva – Ladies and Gentlemen

November 29th, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, America’s culture of rampant consumerism has an official theme song. No, I don’t think that’s the song’s original intent, but that’s definitely how it’s being used. Seriously, I first heard it the other day on a PS3 commercial. Sorry, Sony; no matter what music you use, I’m still not shelling out $400 for a console.

Other than that minor quibble (and perhaps the fact that the video features emaciated women beating each other to a bloody pulp), this song absolutely rocks. It’ll definitely be finding its way onto my work out mix.

Ladies and Gentlemen by Saliva

Ladies and gentlemen please
Would you bring your attention to me?
For a feast for your eyes to see
An explosion of catastrophe

Like nothing you’ve ever seen before
Watch closely as I open this door
Your jaws will be on the floor
After this you’ll be begging for more

Welcome to the show
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Whoa
Do you want it?
Whoa
Do you need it?
Whoa
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen good evening
You’ve seen that seeing is believing
Your ears and your eyes will be bleeding
Please check to see if you’re still breathing

Hold tight cause the show is not over
If you will please move in closer
You’re about to be bowled over
By the wonders you’re about to behold here

Welcome to the show (welcome to the show)
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it

Welcome to the show
We’re glad you came along
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Boom
Do you want it?
Boom
Do you need it?
Boom
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

Online Photo Editing with Picnik

November 27th, 2007

I’ll admit it; I still use the old installation of PhotoShop that I got from my webmaster job in college. To be honest, it’s hard not to. Unless you’re stuck in the dark ages of text- or graphic-only websites, good web design requires photo editing from time to time.

Of course, there’s no way for me to get PhotoShop from my old computer to my new one short of swapping hard drives (or shelling out the money for a new version). I won’t be mourning the loss of it, though. Thanks to this whole “Web 2.0″ thing people keep talking about, there are plenty of free, online photo editing alternatives that can get the job done just as effectively.

Take Picnik, for example. Instead of a software suite that costs $100s and gives you a ton of functionality that you’ll never use, Picnik is a free, browser-based program that offers the short selection of features that most of us actually care about. You can crop, resize, rotate, adjust brightness and contrast, etc. No, it’s not PhotoShop, but without installation or a price tag, I know I’m sold. :P

To Lasik, or Not to Lasik?

November 25th, 2007

That is the question. Ever since my wife and I put our finances in order, we’ve been looking forward to pursuing larger goals like becoming debt free, paying our son’s way through college, or the ever-popular buying a house. More immediately, though, I’ve been entertaining the idea of getting laser eye surgery.

I’ve had poor vision for most of my life. I know the cost would be significant, but it’s no longer prohibitive. The procedure itself is a little off-putting, but I think I could handle it. And I’m not particularly worried about any long-term risks. If I decide to go through with it, there’s really nothing standing in my way.

My real concern, however, is a loss of identity. As William James says in the Principles of Psychology, “The old saying that the human person is composed of three parts – soul, body and clothes – is more than a joke.” I’ve worn glasses since I was nine years old. They’re a part of who I am. I probably wouldn’t be the same shameless nerd I am today if I’d never needed them. If I don’t wear them anymore, will that diminish me? Will I see someone else when I look in the mirror?

Just as important as how I see myself, though, is how others will see me. I find that people with glasses are regarded as more intelligent. If I no longer wear glasses, will that make others regard me differently? Since I’m in a computer-centric field, will it hurt my career prospects?

I’m probably overreacting, but that’s my predicament in a nutshell. I know getting laser eye surgery won’t fundamentally change who I am. Still, I haven’t gone a day without glasses for the past decade and a half. If I stop wearing them, will it alter the identity that I’ve established? What do you think I should do?

 

{democracy:3}

 

Office Linebacker

November 23rd, 2007

All of us office workers have passive-aggressive fantasies about annoying office mates getting their just deserts from time to time. The person who doesn’t respect office coffee etiquette, the one who’s way too chatty, or the one who refuses to recycle even though it’d only take him a second… wouldn’t it be great if they all got what was coming to them? Well, here’s what it might look like if there was an office linebacker to give them their comeuppance.

7 Tips to Better Villains

November 21st, 2007

Players in my D&D games almost universally consider me to be a particularly evil bastard (my wife included). It’s a skill that I’ve honed over the years. After all, being a good antagonist goes hand-in-hand with being a good DM. More than anything, however, I find that gaining the title of “evil bastard” is all about having a good villain. Here are my seven tips to creating a better villain in your campaign.

  1. Good guys make the best villains. Nothing stirs player hatred quite like betrayal, be it on a personal level or simply a betrayal of principles. If it’s possible, get the party actively involved in your villain’s fall from grace. By making them partially responsible for the villain’s existence, you make them feel responsible for his crimes and that much more committed to stopping him.
     
  2. A good villain isn’t untouchable. Remember; your players are the stars of the story. Don’t make your villain so powerful that they don’t pose a threat to him. Make him challenging, even oppressive, but not untouchable. That way acting against him isn’t a seemingly futile prospect.
     
  3. A good villain is evil by choice. Someone forced to commit wicked acts against his or her will is a victim, not a villain. Someone who chooses the path of evil, however, is much easier to despise. It’s okay for the party to understand, and perhaps even empathize with, the villain’s decisions; just don’t make those decisions easy to forgive.
     
  4. A good villain acts by proxy. Until the climax of the story, your villain should never be in real harm’s way. Send proxies to do your villain’s dirty work. After all, they’re expendable; your villain isn’t.
     
  5. A good villain forces hard decisions. Stop the villain, or stop the forest fire he started to distract you? Kill the villagers he infected, or let them spread the plague to others? A good villain will actively put the party into situations like these where the consequences of either choice could be disastrous.
     
  6. A good villain finds creative ways to torment the party. Sending wave after wave of minions after the party is a natural part of villainy, but it gets boring if that’s all you do. Have your villain attack the party’s family or allies, defame them in the next town over, curse them, put a bounty on their head, etc. By harassing the party from many different angles, you keep them on their toes.
     
  7. A good villain is never truly defeated. Although your villain shouldn’t be unkillable, he should have a contingency plan for nearly any situation. Naturally, he’s there to be thwarted, quite likely numerous times, but the fat lady shouldn’t be singing for him until the very climax of the campaign. Even then, leaving a twinge of doubt about his demise is a great lead-in to another campaign.

Foo Fighters – The Pretender

November 19th, 2007

Whenever I watch the Pretender video, I can’t help but think, “Tough crowd.” It’s not just a great song, but a beautiful piece of artistry as well. The song flows between mellow and intense, adding emphasis to the internal conflict alluded by the lyrics and the symbolism. It reminds me of Freud’s id and superego, with the authoritarians/riot cops trying to keep the instinct/band in check. But who is the true self, and who is the pretender? ;)

The Pretender by Foo Fighters

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in…again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I’m finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole…defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It’s never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say that I’ll never surrender?

In time our soul untold
I’m just another soul for sale… oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We’re temporary, temporary
Same old story

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say that I’ll never surrender?

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I’m the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I’m the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I’m what’s left, I’m what’s right
I’m the enemy
I’m the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say that I’ll never surrender?

What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
You’re the pretender
What if I say that I’ll never surrender?

What if I say I’m not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
(You know they all… pretend)
You’re the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I’m not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
(You know they all… pretend)
You’re the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

How to Pre-Parse a PHP Include

November 17th, 2007

I’ve been coding in PHP for more than five years now and I’m still learning new tricks. A novel problem the other day led me to learn how to pre-parse a PHP file prior to inclusion.

Here was my problem. My friend Adam asked me to write some code to include recent post lists outside of WordPress on a client’s site. For those who know a thing or two about WordPress, this wouldn’t normally be an issue; just use the following two lines of code and you’re all set to make use of built-in WordPress functions:

<?php
define('WP_USE_THEMES', false);
require_once('/path/to/wp-blog-header.php');
?>

Unfortunately, the site he wanted me to do this on used Smarty templates. Now, I’ve heard good things about Smarty, but I know less than jack about using it. After spinning my wheels for awhile, I finally discovered that I couldn’t include WordPress in Smarty templates without generating fatal errors.

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, my solution to this was to separate the WordPress code into an external PHP file and include it as pre-parsed output. To do this, simply set allow_url_fopen to true (either in php.ini or through the ini_set() function). Then, include the output file using its http path rather than its file path. Here’s the code I used:

<?php
ini_set('allow_url_fopen', 1);
echo file_get_contents('http://www.domain.com/path/to/file.php');
?>

The result is that you get the raw output of the file without the code, completely separating it from the normal flow of execution. It becomes more like reading a text file. In my case, it allowed me to create dynamic WordPress post lists from within an active Smarty template file. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be filing that one under “handy tricks” in my PHP handbook. ;)

Better Parenting through Exercise

November 15th, 2007

If you’re anything like me, you want to be a good parent and you want to be healthier. Very recently, I came across a good way to help achieve these seemingly disparate goals at the same time by using a health incentive program.

It’s one of those oft-overlooked benefits of health insurance. My provider offers prize incentives to policy-holders who perform certain wellness activities, not the least of which being exercise. The more I exercise, the more points I accumulate. Once I reach a certain threshold, I get to choose a reward.

It’s obvious how this contributes to my health, but how does this tie into parenting? Simple. I just turn around and give the prize to my son. So far, I’ve qualified to get him a kite and a soccer ball for about two months of exercise. I do my rounds on the stationary bike five times a week; my son gets free toys and learns that regular exercise can be rewarding.

Sure, they’re not really “free” prizes when you consider the fact that I’m paying an insurance premium. Still, I’d be paying for the plan regardless of the rewards program. The way I see it, I’m getting added value out of an otherwise necessary expense.

If you’re interested in trying this approach, I suggest you check what sort of incentive programs your health insurance provider offers. Trust me, it makes exercising regularly much easier when you’re rewarded, especially when that reward is a happier child. ;)

Winning Monopoly Strategies

November 13th, 2007

I’ve always had a simple approach to winning at Monopoly: Buy everything. If you land on it, buy it, period. Mortgage other properties if you have to, but don’t pass up a chance to own more of the very limited real estate available. This is because, in my experience, the person with more board space is most often the winner.

That’s just my strategy for Monopoly, though, and it’s far from perfect. If you’re looking for something a little more comprehensive, Tim Darling has an interesting strategy based on property-specific ROI. There’s some great analysis to back up his conclusions, although his final exception rule (i.e., buy properties to prevent opponents from controlling monopolies) seems like it would reduce his rules to “buy everything.” Nevertheless, I plan to try out his suggestions whenever I can convince my friends and family to play me again (don’t hold your breath…).

If you’re interested in giving this strategy a shot, though, don’t count on being able to play Monopoly online. The old Monopoly sites like Games.com, Hasbro.com, and Atari.com don’t fit the bill anymore, and a few that do make you download and/or pay. The only free, online, multi-player Monopoly site I’ve been able to find that doesn’t look like total spam is this Australian site, and I can’t vouch for its authenticity. If anyone knows where you can still play Monopoly online for free, let me know and I’ll link to it.

Feral Druid Build

November 11th, 2007

I’ve played all the hybrid classes to a fairly high level thus far, and druid is by far my favorite. My solo shaman comes in a respectable, but not necessarily close, second. My paladin, unfortunately, comes in way last; there’s just something wrong with paladins. Shamans are better for PvP, but, in my experience, druids outshine both other classes in solo and group play, particularly with a good feral spec. Here’s a level-by-level breakdown of the feral druid build I would recommend.

Level 10 – 14: Ferocity. There’s some debate as to whether Ferocity is a better choice than Feral Aggression. Both talents enhance your performance in cat and bear form. However, after you get Mangle much later in the build, you’ll probably use Rip instead of Ferocious Bite, since it inflicts bleed damage. It’s not a huge difference, so if you prefer Feral Aggression, go with it.

Level 15 – 16: Brutal Impact. When this talent first becomes available, it can be very useful to Bash, unshift to druid form, heal, and shift back to bear form before the enemy is out of stun. Later on, Pounce is the opening move of choice in cat form, so this talent will serve you well for much of your character’s career.

Level 17 – 19: Feral Instinct. This is another talent that simultaneously improves your performance in both cat and bear form. Thick Hide is nice, but it won’t help you as much at lower levels. If you follow this build, you’ll be returning to get it later, anyway.

Level 20 – 21: Feral Swiftness. The speed increase that this talent gives you is a huge boon to leveling, so get it as soon as possible. The dodge bonus is just icing on the cake, and makes the talent well worth it even after you travel form or a mount.

Level 22: Feral Charge. Warriors know that charging is a great way to open a fight, since you can get an early start on your aggro. It’s also a great way to stop runners and quickly close in on those pesky ranged mobs.

Level 23 – 25: Sharpened Claws. Especially after you get Improved Leader of the Pack, a high crit chance is a huge benefit to feral druids. And besides, it’s a necessary prerequisite to Primal Fury. On that note…

Level 26 – 27: Primal Fury. Once you’ve got your crit chance high enough, your DPS in cat form can really skyrocket thanks to this talent. Imagine having five combo points on a creature before it can even recover from its Pounce stun and you’ll understand what I mean.

Level 28 – 29: Predatory Strikes. There’s nothing particularly impressive about a bit of increased attack power. Granted, there’s nothing bad about it, but you’re really only taking this talent to get Heart of the Wild later.

Level 30: Feral Faerie Fire. This may not look like much, but it can really come in handy. It allows you to pull mobs from a distance in bear form, and gives you something useful to throw when you’re out of energy or rage. On top of that, it’s 100% free to use. What’s not to love?

Level 31 – 32: Savage Fury. Claw is your bread and butter in cat form, so increasing its damage by 20% is great. Improving Rake and Mangle is also nice, especially later when you’re dishing out massive bleed damage.

Level 33: Predatory Strikes. Now that you’ve got everything you really want from the fifth tier, it’s time to go back and finish this out, again just to meet the prerequisite.

Level 34: Thick Hide. This is really just a freebie talent point to get you to the next tier. I often tank, so Thick Hide is nice. You could also sink this point into Shredding Attacks if that’s your preference.

Level 35 – 39: Heart of the Wild. 20% more intellect in druid form, 20% more stamina in bear form, and 20% more strength in cat form. Are you kidding me?! This one’s a no-brainer.

Level 40: Leader of the Pack. To clarify for those who, like me, didn’t know whether or not this works on the druid who has it, it does. That alone is enough to take it, but it adds 5% crit for everyone else in your party as well. Paladins wish they had an aura this sweet. The only downside is that your party won’t ever want you to shift into druid form. :P

Level 41 – 42: Improved Leader of the Pack. I’m sorry, did I say Leader of the Pack was nice? Scratch that; it’s awesome. With this talent, you and every member of your party get to heal with every crit. If you weren’t a solo monster before, this talent and the right agility gear will make you nigh unkillable in PvE.

Level 43 – 45: Survival of the Fittest. At first, this talent might seem deceptively underpowered. However, when you have to tank powerful bosses, you’ll understand how useful it can be. Basically, it takes your bear tank a big step closer to being uncrushable, which is one of the few advantages that warrior tanks have over bear tanks.

Level 46 – 47: Thick Hide. Levels 46 through 49 are iffy at best. Some people like Primal Tenacity; others like Predatory Instincts. Both are situationally useful. I prefer more widely useful talents, so I opt for going back and filling out lower tiers. I’d advise going with whatever best suits your play style.

Level 48 – 49: Shredding Attacks. The same argument as above applies here. I chose Shredding Attacks because Lacerate is a great tanking ability when you get to it later.

Level 50: Mangle. Oh, the pain… Pounce your unsuspecting enemy, then Mangle, Rake, and Rip them to death, because you are an animal!

Some people prefer to stick around and fill out a few more feral combat talents. However, the restoration tree has a great deal to offer a melee druid. Here’s how you spend your last 20 talent points.

Level 51 – 55: Furor. By now, you should be shifting back and forth between your various forms with some frequency. This talent makes you ready to do what your form does best the second you shift. It’s especially great for tanking, since you can shift to bear form and immediately use Feral Charge.

Level 56 – 60: Naturalist. When I first saw this talent, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Who would’ve ever thought to see a 10% boost to all melee damage in the second tier of a healing tree? Note that I passed over Nature’s Focus, which is a nice talent, but unnecessary at this level since you already have Barkskin.

Level 61: Omen of Clarity. Free abilities in every form are great, especially when you’re feral and it has a chance to proc with every melee attack. When it procs in cat form, this talent makes some truly sick opening combos possible.

Level 62 – 64: Natural Shapeshifter. Past Omen of Clarity, the restoration talents available to feral druids become less and less useful. A little added mana efficiency for frequent shifting is nice.

Level 65 – 67: Intensity. Intensity gives you a little more rage to work with, which can be very useful on occasion; the mana regeneration aspect is just a side bonus.

Level 68 – 70: Improved Mark of the Wild. There’s honestly nothing of much use left at this point. This talent doesn’t do much to improve your mark of the wild, but the benefit is constant.

Here’s the visual breakdown. For those interested, there are plenty of ways to customize it. Some people prefer to dip 11 points into restoration for Omen of Clarity earlier than 50, for example. Likewise, the last nine points in restoration are just a matter of personal preference. Experiment for yourself and find out what works best with your play style.