The Hills Have Eyes

What is it these days with mutant hillbillies? First came Wrong Turn, and now The Hills Have Eyes. Don’t get me wrong; they’re both fairly decent horror movies. It’s just that I, for one, have never thought of hillbillies as scary. Having lived in the country for part of my childhood, I met more than my fair share of inbred hicks rural folk, none of whom were murderous cannibals. For the life of me, I can’t fathom where this genre could have come from.

Oh well, enough of my mutant hillbilly rant. The movie itself is your basic gory horror story. Enter a standard assortment of characters destined for death, strand them in seemingly inescapable situation, and let the carnage ensue as the killers, monsters, monstrous killers, or killer monsters descend on them. It’s a tried-and-true formula that The Hills Have Eyes does little to deviate from.

Of course, the most fun about this sort of movie is guessing who is going to die and in what order. I was gratified to see the gun-toting conservative father bite the dust first. I was surprised that his skittish son actually survived (he reminded me a bit of the “Game over, man!” guy from Aliens). What caught me off guard even more was that most of the women died first, and in very graphic ways. I’m not sure how the normal version differs, but the unrated version I watched is definitely not for children.

Predictably, of course, the baby lived. After all, movie writers know that not even the most bloodthirsty audience wants to see a baby get hurt. So too does the liberal cell phone salesman (albeit battered, bloody, and missing a few fingers after retrieving his daughter) as well as, shockingly enough, the teenage blond girl. I guess I need more practice, because she was near the top of my list.

Overall, I wouldn’t give this movie any special attention. It’s okay, but not great. Watch it if it comes on TV when there isn’t anything else on, or put it in your Netflix queue as a filler until you can think of something better (like we did). If you’re in the mood for a better gory horror movie, I would recommend 28 Days Later or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wait a minute, does Leather Face qualify as a mutant hillbilly, too…?