Now, I’m not generally one to mind reading subtitles; I do it all the time when I watch anime videos online. The fact that this wasn’t mentioned, however, is unforgivable. It’s like selling someone a car and only mentioning that it’s a standard transmission as they’re pulling out of the parking lot.

Despite this misrepresentation, Pan’s Labyrinth was fantastic. It had a great storyline and lots of interesting characters. After we got over our initial subtitle shock, my wife and I were pleased that we had given it a chance. In the end, it delivered everything that the misleading trailers promised.

Keep in mind, however, that Pan’s Labyrinth is not for children. Did you happen to notice that “R” rating on the side of the box? Trust me, it’s there for a good reason. This movie is a darker kind of fantasy, with lots of disturbing content and vivid depictions of violence. So, unless you want your kids to have nightmares, be sure to put them to bed before you watch it.

(Warning: Like the entire movie, this clip is strictly not to be played with children or mixed company present. Let’s just say, if you could measure profanity on the Richter scale, this clip would register an 8.5. You have been warned. )

If you’re a fan of Tenacious D to any extent (I really only like their song “Tribute”), it’s an okay rental. I wouldn’t prioritize it over other movies if given the choice, but it’s not a bad Netflix backup.

My review of At World’s End can be summarized like this: If you liked Dead Man’s Chest, you’ll like this, too. It’s got the same brand of over-the-top action, cut-throat intrigue, and diagram-worthy plot as its predecessor. This shouldn’t come as any surprise, considering they were written and filmed together in much the same manner as Lord of the Rings.

On the other hand, if you couldn’t follow Dead Man’s Chest, don’t expect to understand what’s going on in At World’s End. I actually found myself thanking the writers for killing off characters. “Thank god,” I thought. “That’s one less person that I need to keep track of.” Seriously, it’s that hard to follow all of the characters and their crisscrossing motivations. I have to wonder if it’s more fun to watch the second time when you’ve had a chance to review it all.

That minor criticism aside, At World’s End delivers up the sort of supernatural swashbuckling that we’ve all come to expect of the genre. If you liked its prequels, you’ll like it. If not, there’s always Spiderman 3.

The movie portrays the meeting of a seemingly naive teenage girl and an older man she met in an online chat room. It’s the sort of scenario that sets of all kinds of alarms, which works very effectively to pull the viewer into the story. They go to his house, have some alcohol, and engage in typical social banter. The whole thing is completely innocent until the biggest plot twist hits you upside the head. She drugs him, ties him up, and tortures him for being a pedophile. This is, to say the least, the exact reverse of what you’re led to expect.

Now, I won’t give away the ending, or whether the guy deserves what he gets. Let’s just say that my friend’s summation of the movie as “intense” is a gross understatement. Hard Candy will drown you in drama, often to the point of being disturbing to watch. If you’re anything like my wife and I, you’ll keep the movie in the back of your mind for several days after finishing it, remembering the scenes with vivid detail and thinking, “Man, that was a messed up movie.”

Therein lies the only real reason to watch it. It’s a dramatic but realistic portrayal of sadism. If you’re not into that sort of thing, I would avoid it. Then again, if you enjoy messed up movies that will require days of emotional recovery, this one’s a must-see. Incidentally, my wife says I’m not allowed to take my friend’s movie recommendations anymore.

Oh well, enough of my mutant hillbilly rant. The movie itself is your basic gory horror story. Enter a standard assortment of characters destined for death, strand them in seemingly inescapable situation, and let the carnage ensue as the killers, monsters, monstrous killers, or killer monsters descend on them. It’s a tried-and-true formula that The Hills Have Eyes does little to deviate from.

Of course, the most fun about this sort of movie is guessing who is going to die and in what order. I was gratified to see the gun-toting conservative father bite the dust first. I was surprised that his skittish son actually survived (he reminded me a bit of the “Game over, man!” guy from Aliens). What caught me off guard even more was that most of the women died first, and in very graphic ways. I’m not sure how the normal version differs, but the unrated version I watched is definitely not for children.

Predictably, of course, the baby lived. After all, movie writers know that not even the most bloodthirsty audience wants to see a baby get hurt. So too does the liberal cell phone salesman (albeit battered, bloody, and missing a few fingers after retrieving his daughter) as well as, shockingly enough, the teenage blond girl. I guess I need more practice, because she was near the top of my list.

Overall, I wouldn’t give this movie any special attention. It’s okay, but not great. Watch it if it comes on TV when there isn’t anything else on, or put it in your Netflix queue as a filler until you can think of something better (like we did). If you’re in the mood for a better gory horror movie, I would recommend 28 Days Later or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wait a minute, does Leather Face qualify as a mutant hillbilly, too…?

All of the characters from the original Pirates of the Caribbean are back. I was surprised to see Commodore Norrington again, especially playing such a pivotal role in the story. They even managed to work Pintel and Ragetti, the two comic relief pirates from Barbosa’s crew, into the sequel.

Forget about the old favorites, though, because Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has its own characters to introduce. Davy Jones and his crew are absolutely creepy. I recognized the cursed captain immediately as the actor Bill Nighy, the same guy who played Victor in Underworld. He certainly hasn’t lost his touch as an archvillain. And the introduction of William Turner, Will Turner’s father, is probably one of the greatest plot twists of the whole movie.

For all of its epic grandeur, I did find two minor problems with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. For one, the movie’s plot is incredibly complex and twisted. Really, with such an extensive list of main characters, this movie would require a diagram to explain properly. Some movie-goers, such as myself, really enjoy that sort of thing. Others who have a problem keeping track of the constantly shifting loyalties and motivations, however, may feel lost.

My other minor criticism lies in the comedy. Halfway through the movie, three of the main characters are engaged in a sword battle on an out-of-control mill wheel. This sort of thing is inventive and memorable, but tends to come off as a bit hokie. That’s not to say that sort of thing isn’t hilarious; Jack Sparrow on a spit-turned-shish kebob is absolutely priceless. Still, I felt it didn’t add as much to the movie as it might have if it weren’t so over-the-top.

Also, while not a criticism persay, I couldn’t help but feel frustrated at the end of the movie when much of the plot is left hanging. I don’t want to give away the ending, but suffice to say that this isn’t just a sequel; it’s the second part in a trilogy. Much like Lord of the Rings, expect a lot to be left unresolved until the next movie.

For what little I have to criticize, there are dozens of good reasons to go see this movie. I fully expect that it will win awards by the handful in categories across the board. Acting, drama, music, you name it and this movie rocks. It easily gets five stars in my book. If you haven’t seen it, make the time; you won’t be disappointed.

The first way we’ve tried to curb our appetite for movies was Netflix. I was dubious at first. After all, mail-order movies take time to arrive, can get lost in transition, and can easily be damaged. Still, it was fairly cheap, and my wife seemed excited, so we gave it a shot.

I must say that it’s been well worth the money. About $10 a month and we get a new DVD every three or four days. When you work out the numbers, that’s a little over $1 per movie, which is dirt cheap compared to the movie store. All we have to do is make sure the movie gets back in the mailbox the next day and we get more than our money’s worth. That’s to say nothing of the selection. Thanks to Netflix, we’ve been watching the entire Fullmetal Alchemist series and loving every minute of it.

On the flip side, however, we still don’t get many opportunities to go see movies in the theater. Given the choice, I’m sure we’d do so more often, but parenthood comes first. Only once in recent memory have we gotten someone to babysit, namely when we went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Given that was in December of last year, we haven’t been back to the theater in about seven months.

It was on that note that my wife and I recently decided a date was in order. We got some family to agree to babysit and planned a brief afternoon lunch and a movie for just the two of us. It didn’t take much looking to decide on Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. And, thanks to the magic of the internet, finding a theater and playtimes was a snap.

It was almost too perfect when I happened on Fandango’s listing. “Click on a time in red to buy tickets” sounded nice and convenient. Of course, I’d never used the service before, so I perused their help section to see how things worked. According to the Fandango’s “Using Fandango to get tickets” guide, “All ticket and convenience charges will be displayed in the area that you enter your ticket types and quantities.”

Straightforward enough, right? I went back to the movie listing, clicked on the show time, and selected two tickets at $5.75 each. The total of $11.50 appeared, and I clicked continue as the site instructed.

Well, much to my disappointment, after filling in all of my credit card information, I was presented with a final order screen that displayed my total as $13.50, which included a $2 “convenience fee.” Wasn’t this supposed to be in the “area that you enter your ticket types and quantities”? As you might expect, I felt swindled and closed the screen without completing my order. I’ll just wait in line at the booth, thank you.

I know I’ve said it before, but this sort of thing really irks me. Business practices such as this are designed to do one thing and one thing only: trick unsuspecting and/or inattentive consumers out of a few extra bucks. I would have been much happier, and much more likely to buy, if they had put all of the charges up front like they said they would. By placing it after my credit card information, they’re counting on me either not noticing or deciding, “Well, I went to all the trouble of typing in information, what’s an extra $2?”

Am I cheap? No. I just hate being manipulated into forking over more money than I’m rightfully expecting to pay. It’s fine print thievery and my AT&T prepaid phone card debacle all over again. How this isn’t illegal is beyond me.

At any rate, I’ve had my rant. I highly recommend Netflix for those who are interested in a good movie consumer experience. Don’t bother with Fandango, though, as it’s obvious that they’re more interested in money than integrity.

The story begins with Arthur Dent, an average, down-to-earth British man who unknowingly befriends one alien and loses a girlfriend to another. Of course, the true nature of the universe is only revealed to him when his strange friend whisks him away just before the Earth meets a sudden and unceremonious end.

Throughout the course of the movie, Arthur is advised by his friend’s copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an electronic encyclopedia with all sorts of useful and comical information about the universe at large. This includes entries about Vogon poetry, pangalactic gargleblasters, infinite improbability drives, and an assortment of other strange topics.

I found the movie to be fun and very novel, though not particularly exciting. The Vogons, who are the chief antagonists of the movie, don’t make for very thrilling villains. The whole story revolves around the romance between Arthur and his former girlfriend Trillian, which is fairly standard despite an odd backdrop. Even Arthur’s rescue of Trillian from the Vogon home world is dull, involving paperwork rather than heroism. Granted, all of this is in keeping with the nature of the story, but the movie itself lacks a lot of entertainment value as a result.

Nonetheless, my wife and I did enjoy watching this movie. We especially liked the idea of the point of view gun, as I’m sure any couple who watched the movie does. All in all, it’s worthwhile to rent and probably makes for a very good read. Just don’t expect to be on the edge of your seat, as the movie is geared more for comedy than action.

The pace of the story is very slow, with most of the focus lying on the main character’s spotty divorce and custody battle. Overall, this aspect of the plot is a bit dull, although it does shed some light on the possibility that the main character is merely delusional. This is an interesting if a bit overdone twist, but still worthy of mention.

The near-climax of the movie occurs when the main character’s lawyer steps in and bullies her landlord and superintendent about the poor quality of the apartment. The whole “lawyer to the rescue” bit is none too satisfying, to be honest. After all, it would’ve been nice if the dysfunctional mother managed to solve some of her own problems. She comes around afterward, but not before the lawyer gets to play the hero, which is marginally believable at best.

Finally, the story gets spooky when the ghost appears and tries to kill the little girl and take her place. Unfortunately, what is intended as horror comes off more like drama when the mother dies to save the daughter. I like horror films because I wanted to be wide-eyed with fear, not teary-eyed with sadness.

All in all, I can’t recommend this movie to anyone. It has little merit as either a horror film, as it was intended to be, or as a drama, as it turned out to be. Don’t bother renting it. If you really want to see a movie along this plot line that’s worth watching, try “The Ring.”

Since my son was born, my wife and I made only one exception to this rule, begging and pleading with family members to watch him for a few hours so that we could go see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Like so many other people, my wife and I have both read all six books and have gone to see each movie release as religiously as we did for Lord of the Rings. I am often astounded by how much entertainment intended for children can enthrall us adults as well.

At any rate, I wasn’t disappointed. If anything, this latest installment of Harry Potter is better than its predecessors, marking one of the few exceptions to the rule that sequels are always worse than the originals. The Triwizard Tournament is just as exciting as in the book, particularly Harry’s battle with the dragon. My wife and I were both taken aback by how polite Voldemort was when he was finally restored, but maybe we were perceiving him as more sinister than he was actually portrayed in the book.

I don’t want to give everything away for those who might not have seen it, but take it from a huge Harry Potter fan that this movie is more than worth seeing. If you enjoyed any of the other movies even marginally, you will love this one. I give it five stars.